Why Chris Bosh Should Still Be a Toronto Raptor

It is rare in the sports world for one player to perfectly represent his city or team name.  We had Larry Bird, who was the personification of hard-nosed, white Boston.  Magic Johnson, who played with a glitz and glamor that could only rightfully belong in L.A.  Ben "The Laundry Room Rapist" Roesthlisberger, who has ingrained Pittsburgh's utter disdain for laws concerning sexual governance better than any Steeler or Penguin in history.

And until last year, we had Chris Bosh, a perfect exemplar of what it means to be a Toronto Raptor - not because his play coincides with the cosmopolitan mentality of the wonderful city of Toronto.  Rather, simply put, Chris Bosh looks like a freakin' raptor!  Exhibit A:

 But it's not just looks.  Chris Bosh resembles a raptor in so many other ways:

-He hunts in packs (four teammates at a time)

-He has learned to open doors

-He makes a shrieking noise when frightened


-He causes those hunting him to say, "Clever girl..."

With all these obvious similarities, it is shocking that Chris Bosh would turn his back on a whole extinct species.  A species for whom he remains the perfect representative.

Do the right thing, Chris!  Force a trade back to Toronto and give voice to the extinct.

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Update: my close friend and jai alai partner, Dr. Reggie Stocker, a famed evolutionary biologist at The Ohio State University, has sent me a chart he designed after studying years of raptorian evolution.  It seems that his esteemed colleague, Dr. Grant, was wrong about his theory that raptors developed into birds.  I'll let you be the judge.